God is Never Late

I truly believe my patience holds me back from a lot of things in my life. It boggles my mind as to how I let the timing of things affect how I feel on a day to day basis. Why is it so hard for me to trust God's timing, when it is always so perfect? "Wait on the Lord; Be of good courage, And he shall strengthen your heart; Wait, I say, on the Lord! -Psalm 27:14 (NKJV)

This blog, in particular, is going to be really hard to write, but I promised myself that I was going to share my testimony, and how Jesus has changed (and is continuing to change) my life. I am truly ashamed of my past, but the beautiful thing about it, is that Jesus has forgotten about it, and forgave me. I wish everyone felt the chills I just felt right now when I wrote that.

My life has always been consumed by a male-figure; ever since I can remember. I moved to Arizona almost two years ago, and really let my relationships with men get a hold on me. My love life has consisted of frequent phone/text conversations, and sex. Yes, I said it. Sex. I actually let myself believe, that giving a guy my body, was going to strengthen a relationship. Looking back on that, it sounds completely ridiculous, but this is the mentality that the enemy had given me. Our world is so broken, and anyone who tries to find hope in it, will also be broken. I've never realized how much pressure my generation has upon us. I always thought it was so cliche for me to say something like that, but when you sit down and really grasp the concept, it becomes so vivid, and so clear, that it can actually become life consuming. Sadly, it does for a lot of us. Your weight, your clothes, your makeup, your hair, and any other physical aspect is what gets you known in this world. The parties you go to, who you are having sex with, what cigarettes you smoke, the drugs you do, how drunk you get, and how awesome your hangover was the next day; these are the things that young adults consume their life with, because it's what's going to get them accepted. Sad, right? Reality isn't always pretty. I know that these things are what cause our broken world. How do I know? Because I have been there, and done that. I was so caught up in the ways of this broken world, that I became broken. In all this chaos, there is beauty. That beauty is Jesus. By His wounds we are healed (Isaiah 53:5).That's what my tattoo says across my chest, closest to my heart, because it's true.

I continued these relationships, and held on as long as I could so that lonely feeling I always had, would go away. I just wanted that empty space in my heart to get filled, and I was willing to do anything to fill it. I used sexual intimacy with someone to hold on to them, thinking that it would work. I have never been so wrong in my life. Searching for emptiness with sex, only created more emptiness. So I tried to satisfy that emptiness with more sex, and then the vicious cycle set in. It became an addiction, which led me into depression. According to recent research, sexual addiction alters the shape of the brain and drains natural serotonin levels. The nervous system gets messed up. Deep sleep through the night is elusive and addicts often feels run down. Clinical depression, anxiety attacks and blood pressure problems start to creep in. Many sex addicts wind up on antidepressants or other medication to cope. So I saw a therapist, and she prescribed me anti-depressants to shift my neurons into the right place so my brain was able to produce sufficient amounts of serotonin. Talking with my therapist, and taking the medication helped a little, but it never felt like it was enough. I still felt that emptiness.

Many people have said, that it is in your lowest moments that God reveals himself to you. You just stop covering your eyes, and pretending he's not there. I had gotten to such a low point in my life, that I felt I had no where else to turn; So I turned to God. I prayed for an answer, and I prayed for healing. "Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you." -James 4:8

"Return you backsliding children, and I will heal your backsliding." -Jeremiah 3:22

"Will". Such a strong word. It's not, "I might draw near you", its not "I can probably heal your backsliding", no! The word God uses is, "will". He will do what he says, because God does not lie, and God does not contradict himself. It he says he will do it, then believe that he will do it. I asked him for healing, and he truly healed me. It took a little bit of time, but that time drew me closer to him, and made me seek him more and more, everyday. That gap that needed filling, was really a space I was reserving for the holy spirit. I then came to a point in my life, where men and sexual intimacy were no longer a priority or a worry in my life. Those sinful desires, which never satisfied, had been replaced with a Savior. Jesus always satisfies. He has given me a new place to put my hope; My hope now lies in Him. Amen!

Waiting for that healing was hard, but it made me stronger, and the wait was well worth it. So how is it that I still get so impatient with him?

Through my journey, I met this fantastic guy. I really cannot put into words how much he has inspired me, and how his love for Christ has drawn me to him. We have been talking for about a month, but I feel like I have known him forever. We hung out, and not once did we try to go further than kissing. I didn't even want to, and when it seemed like I did, he stopped it. Wait, what? I can say, in all honesty, that this kind of stuff never happened in my past relationships. In fact, it was the exact opposite.

One small problem, he's a whopping three and a half hours away. So, needless to say, we aren't "together". He had come to the conclusion that we couldn't be together because of the distance. He said if he was going to be with someone, he wanted to "be with them". He said, "I think you're great, but it just isn't going to happen right now. But who knows, maybe God will put us together later." When he said this, I was crushed. It was weighing on my mind so heavy. It felt like someone was sitting on my chest, making it impossible for me to breathe. I finally found a decent guy. A guy that's devoted to Christ, and is so involved with his church. That's exactly what I'm looking for, and now distance is going to be an issue? I took a deep breath, closed my eyes, and told God that I trusted him.

Key phrases/words to look at in that last paragraph: "Maybe God will put us together later", "looking", and "trust".

"Maybe God will put us together later"- I think I listened to everything he said, except for this minor (a.k.a major) detail. It seems that I am better at listening to the bad, and filtering out the good, instead of the other way around. I need to remember that if it's in His will, then it will fall into place according to plan.

"Looking"- Girls, stop looking. The whole world says you should be dating. God says you should be serving him while you are patiently waiting. There's that word I need to soak up. Patience. God is never late!! I have found myself holding on, as if God doesn't have better plans for me. Psh.

"Trust"- This is the most important word in this blog. Trusting God is so vital when you have a relationship with him. We have to have faith, and trust him in everything he does. If we don't, we are pretty much saying, "He won't be able to handle this problem", or "He won't care about this situation, He has too many other things to worry about". Really? Are we really about to belittle God? The almighty God? Did I really forget how much I am loved by him? He cares about all of my problems, big or small. It should be obvious that if I put complete trust in him, he's got my back. No matter what. End of story.

It's funny how I tend to believe that I'm going to plan out my life when I have God in the picture. A friend of mine would always say, "We plan, He laughs." If God is perfectly capable of writing my entire life (which he is), then I'm pretty sure my love life is in good hands. I have to learn to be patient in God's timing, because it is completely perfect. A pastor at a church I went to once said, "God is like molasses. He might be slow, but he is so so sweet." That couldn't be a truer statement. The more trust I have for the Lord, the more my patience is revealed. Lack of faith, and lack of trust has been the root of my impatience, and has not only hindered the relationships in my life, but has hindered my most important relationship- the relationship I have with Jesus.

"Trust in the Lord with all of your heart,

and lean not on your own understanding;

acknowledge the Lord in all of your ways,

and He shall direct your paths."

-Proverbs 3:5-6 (NKJV)

In the Begining...

So here it is. My blog. To be honest, this kind of thing is all very new to me, so I'm quite nervous, but over all excited.

Purpose of this blog: To show everyone the steps I have taken in my life, which has brought be closer to God than I could ever imagine. If you chose to read it, GREAT!! I'm scared to reveal my true self, but want to change, and part my ways with my "fear of man". (Gal 1:10) If you don't chose to read it, that's OK too. I'm just hear to bear my testimony.

So I guess I can start off by introducing myself, right? OK. For those of you who don't know me, my name is Kristina Jauregui. I would suggest that if you don't know me, not to try to attempt the pronunciation of my last name. I'll give you an unauthorized version of a pronunciation key:(Hou-er-gee).

I was born, and raised in Southern California for 21 awesome years of my life. I lived with my parents, in a small 2 bedroom condo that I could walk from end to end in about 3 and a half steps. We lived in Newbury Park, a suburb of Thousand Oaks (which was ranked #11 of the 25 safest cities in America in 2009). The only problem with that ranking, is that I think my "hood" was completely ignored when they came up with it. You might be thinking that calling my neighborhood a "hood" is going a little extreme, but you would only know what I mean if had you lived there. I always used to call it "little Mexico", or "gangland", whichever term fit best at the time I was using it. My neighborhoods actual name was "Las Casitas", or translated from Spanish, "little houses". I found a lot of irony and humor in that.

My parents were both lower class citizens, and lived paycheck by paycheck. That being said, they managed very well, and did everything to the best of their ability. They didn't live there by choice, but by force. Thousand Oaks and it's nicer suburbs, were by far too expensive for people in their situation, to afford.

My father was born in Jalisco, Mexico in November 1963. Both of his parents died when he was very young, leaving him with six younger siblings, and two older siblings. Education was not a priority when it came to his family, and it was not forced on children in Mexico. My father didn't get to finish middle school. By the time he was 19, he decided that a change needed to be made, and crossed the US/Mexican border. He was determined to make a new life for his family by sacrificing the things he loved most, to work in California. Not just work, but hours upon hours of strenuous, hard labor. He was all alone, at 19 years old. I guess you could say he grew up pretty fast. Of course, being so young, it was so painfully easy to get involved with wrongful things, and be so easily influenced. Drugs and alcohol became a part of his daily ritual, but surprisingly functioned enough to get by.

My mother on the other hand had a much different story. She was born in Mexico, Missouri in January 1958. Her mother was a home-maker, and her father served in the Navy for the entirety of their short-lasting marriage. She has one brother, about 2 years younger than she. When my mother was about four, her parents separated, and her mother forced them to move out of state, to California. She rarely talked to her father, and when she did, it was no longer than a few minutes every couple of months. The image I got from the pictures I had seen of my grandmother, she looked like some-what of a partyer, and was very attractive throughout my mothers teenage years. Like myself, my mother was always the heavy-set girl out of all of her friends, and I don't believe having a mother that looked like a more attractive, younger version of her sister helped her self-esteem one bit. As far as her brother, they were your average, everyday obnoxious siblings. From what I remember in stories she has told me, they have been very close to killing each other, hopefully on accident. My mother married at a young age, to her first husband, and had her first child; my brother. That marriage didn't work out like she had hoped, so they separated when my brother was too young to even remember.

My parents married when my brother was just a toddler. My grandmother, in no way, shape or form, agreed with this marriage. She was actually so against it, that she did not even attend the wedding. My father, was not what she thought was best for my mother. Of course, she was just being a mother, and looking out for her daughters best interest. Just to clear the record, before everyone gets this horrid, "wicked witch of the west" image about my grandmother, I'll just share a small bit of info with ya. Throughout her life, she grew, and changed, and was one of the only people I have ever met that truly FELL IN LOVE with Jesus. She just happened to go through some hard ships in her life, like many of us have.

My parents marriage will probably be revealed throughout this blog, as some situations must be explained to really tell you what I have experienced that made me want to seek God, and accept him into my life.

This was probably a lot to take in at one time, but at the same time, crucially important aspects that should be mentioned in order to understand and relate with my blog.

Until next time, ONE LOVE, ONE GOD, ONE WAY.